It's a little anti-climactic, I already got my presents, a few weeks ago really, and nothing really exciting is going on today.
So far, I've been a complete bum. I've slept in, had lunch, watched some tv, and eaten a humongous cheesecake brownie (supermegadelicious!) and now i'm contemplating the idea of going out for a bike ride or calling my mom and pestering her to go swimming at the gym before my birthday dinner.
It is my birthday, so I can justify being super lazy, but...would I feel better if I went out and did something productive?
last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought of something I really wanted to write about...and now I can't think of it to save my life.
But on a totally different note, I spend so much time complaining lately, that I sometimes have to stop and think about how incredibly lucky I really am.
I never go hungry
I always have clothes and shelter and books
I know my family loves me
I just got a new laptop for my birthday!
And still, I spend a lot of time complaining and letting silly things upset me. It's not that I'm an unhappy person. I think everyone who knows me would agree - I'm a pretty big optimist. But sometimes things just get so frustrating that I need to vent to SOMEONE or it'll just drive me insane.
Is that healthy?
It HAS to be healthier than just bottling it all up....I hope :/
What the efff is the matter with me lately? Babe is getting on my nerves, I can't stop eating crap, and I actually started crying on the phone with my mom last night...in the lobby of the theater building...with other people around...in response to the question "How is everything?"
Nothing is actually wrong, everything is fine, at least...it should be.
I hate crying. I only do it when I feel incredibly weak and stupid. And doing it only makes me feel weaker and stupider. It's awful. I wish it never happened.
"I punched him!" Me and Babe doing our scene for V-day.
Last Friday we put on our own version of V-day. Unfortunately not the actual Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler, but we put together an impressive collection of poems, monologues, scenes, and even a song. I had the glorious opportunity to perform in three separate acts: An empowering slam poem by the amazing poet Mayda Del Valle entitled "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" (youtube it, her performance is incredible), a rather silly little scene about 12 year old girls and love with Babe (ridiculously fun and intended to lighten the mood between intense pieces) and an incredibly heart-breaking and difficult duet from the actual Vagina Monologues with Bella. All about genital mutilation and its effects on the individuals who suffer it, the duet was so difficult that I literally took out my contacts and left my glasses off so I wouldn't have to look anyone in the eyes while I spoke those words about pain and loss and being a woman in the worst possible sense. I cried. And for those of you who don't know, crying is one of my least favorite things in the world to do, let alone to do in front of people. The performance was so intense, even depressing I almost wonder why we did it. Why do we put ourselves and the audience through that kind of emotion? Here's what I've come up with as an answer:
We do these things because they're real. Because these are real issues that people need to deal with and figure out how to handle. Everyone's going to handle them in different ways but they need to be handled. Whether you join an organization or actively do something in your own community or others, or even handling these problems the world has in your thoughts and prayers, confronting and handling them isn't an option.
I find myself being distinctly unproductive lately. What I mean is, I spend my free time watching tv, cleaning my room, writing e-mails to my mom, working on poems and skits for the upcoming Vday (pictures and remarks forthcoming), watching more tv, napping, and really doing nothing when I should be working on papers, doing homework, preparing things for class and dance production.
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
Very true John Lennon but what about when I waste all that time when I really need to be doing things productive to my college education?
Is it really terrible that I don't always give my all to everything, when I'm giving my all to something more enjoyable or just letting myself be lazy?
Is my un-productivity really a problem or is it just my way of prioritizing?